Fish Gazing

Ever got lost gazing at the fish when they are swimming around in a fish tank? Very often, I got myself so lost in gazing at the fish in the fish tank on my work desk and it does help to relieve some daily stress. Sometimes, I just wish that I am a fish swimming around, without having much cares and worries. All the fish can do is swim and wait for food.

At times, I do wish that time will just stop. However, time waits for no man. Coming to 4 months now since Sept. Life came to a standstill for a moment after my dad moved on and now, things are slowly coming back to "normal". I thank God for blessing me with a wonderful sis-in-law who stood by me, and my mom. Having remember to see her tears drop each time we visited dad at the Colombarium. It warms my heart to know that there is someone so close to us and it warms my heart even more when Jesus is with all of us.

I was almost on the verge of losing my mind last December as I was under so much pressure from work, home and amazingly unaware that even with friends. It was until 5th Jan that I understood the reason. For the entire December, I remembered having flashbacks of my dad lying cold on the metal table in the mortuary. It was a dreadful time and scene, and I felt so condemned for not trying to revive my dad or even prayed for his safety on that day. I felt so condemned for not spending much time with him. I just felt that time was not on my side and I'm always running out of time. Was I too slack? Or was I juz simply boh chup?

I guess I understood how my brother felt instead and I guess he's facing a lot of pressure and condemnation too. I pray that Daddy God will speak right into his heart that he is not being condemned. Though I may "detest" my brother, as a matter of fact, I loved him even more. This is something that I can never understand. The more I detest my brother, the more I love him. Somehow, the same goes with my mom. The more I detest her, I find that I'm more concerned about her. I really don't understand this principle.

Well, as what my godbrother once told me, to look forward and move on. Life still got to go on. I wonder how long more to go. Life seemed to be a drag now. What am I hiding? Who am I hiding from? Where am I hiding into? How am I going to hide? Do I have to hide? Should I hide?

Holy Spirit, please get me out of this. I really want to get out of this and out of my financial problems. Pray tell me how to get out of this mess.. Ever since I transferred to my new team, so many things happened, at work, at home, etc.. Lord, I'm tired.. Bring me out now..